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Odds & Sods (What people think about us) VioletzJokes (Music Jokes) Boozecruise (What happened on This day) Who are you (Rockers real names) |
The official Shrinkin Violetz Joke book. As compiled by our Swimsuit sweeties.
Remember - They asked how many musician jokes are there were ? Just one - all the rest are true. (and I should know ) Q: Why did they invent
keyboards? Q: How do you make a
guitar sound beautiful? Q: Why did the drummer
have a heart attack? Q: What do a Guitar and
a lawsuit have in common? Q: Why are a pianist's
fingers like lightning? Q: You are in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf
Hitler and James Blunt. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do? Q. Why do singers smile during lightning storms? A. They think their pictures being taken. Q. Why don't they let bass players have coffee breaks? A. It takes too long to retrain them. Q. What do Keyboard Players & UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but you never see them.
Q. How do you get a twinkle in a singers eye? A. Shine a torch in their ear. Q. Hear about the drummer who got an AM radio? A. Took them a month to release they could play it at night. Q. How do you make a guitarist laugh on Saturday? A. Tell them a joke on Wednesday.
Yeah, 3 musicians and a drummer had to go to the hospital. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? A: You'd take off your shoes before you jumped up and down on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the singer stare at the frozen orange juice? A. Because it said 'Concentrate' Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm? a: A tattoo. Q. What do you call a group of drummers standing in a circle? A. A dope ring. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing? A: Put notes on it! q: Why do rock bands have roadies? a: To act as interpreters for the drummer.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A: Give him a sheet of music. Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Get the drummer to do it.
Q: "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" a: "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer." Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money! Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning... Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~ Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?Oh
no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up. Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!! Why is there porno in the VCR? Checkmate! Can you believe all the money we're getting? Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha! No thanks, I don't want another beer. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.
Q: If a hundred dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get to it first? a: The drummer with bad time of course. The other three don't exist. Q: why is a laundromat a bad place for a musician to pick up women? a: Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: What's the difference between a singer and a pit bull? A: The jewelry. Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf? A: To keep them from grazing. Q:
what's
the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
Q: What's the difference between a singer and a piranha? A:
The lipstick. Q:
Why
are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers. Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q:
How
does a guitar player show he's planning for the future? Q: Why
did the punk rocker cross the road?
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a Singers car? A:
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q:
What
do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A:
A
music critic. Q:
What
do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A:
You
know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Q:
What
do you throw to a drowning guitar player? A: His amp.
Q: A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with A Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" A: "This is a travel agency." Q:
How
many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A:
None--
they just steal someone else's light. Alternate
Answer: 5-- One to change
the bulb and 4 do watch him and say "I can do better than that." Alternate
Answer: Only one-- but
he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q: What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? A: They both suck without Cream. Q:
what
do a folk guitar and a lawsuit have in common? A:
Everyone
is relieved when the case is closed. Q:
What's
the difference between a fiddle & a violin? A:
Who
cares - neither one's a guitar! Q:
The
definition of Perfect Pitch? A:
Throwing
a bass guitar in the toilet and not hitting the rim.
Q:
What's
the best way to play a bass guitar? A:
With
a hack saw. Q:
What's
the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO? A:
You
can negotiate with the PLO. Q:
Why
do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? A: Because most shops close by six thirty. Q:
Why
are so many guitar player jokes one liners? A:
So
the rest of the band can understand them.
Q:
What's
the difference between a guitarist and a puppy? A:
The
puppy will stop whining after a couple of months. Q:
What's
black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. Q:
What
do you call a drummer with a high school diploma? A:
A
genius! Q:
What's
the difference between a drummer and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family.
Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? Aa: The stage is level. Q:
Johnny
to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! Q: What do you say to a vocalist in a three-piece suit? A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. A: Both suck when you plug them in.Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A: A drummer.Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? A: The knock always slows down.
Q: Why do bands have bass players? A: To translate for the drummer.Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the vocalist please come to the stage!"
The annoying drums joke - This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop. ""Why?" "When drums stop...bass solo begins."
Q: What's the difference between a vocalist and a Porsche? A: Most vocalists have never been in a Porsche.Q: What's the difference between a vocalist and a chain saw? A: The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
Q: What's the first thing a musician says at work? A: Would you like fries with that?"
Q:
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Q: What is the difference between a Bass guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A:
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one - but the guitarist has to show him
first. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Get the drummer to do it.
Q.
What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before she goes to work?
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q:
How do you make your mom drive really
fast?
Q:
What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
Q:
What's the similarity between a drummer and premature ejaculation?
Q:
What's the definition of "waste"?
Q:
What would you call fifty Guitarists underwater?
Q:
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
Q.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q.
What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common? Q.
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? Q.
What do you get if you cross a Bass Guitarist with a gorilla? Q.
Hey, did you hear about the Keyboardist who finished high school? Q.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa
Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad
time
were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~ Guitars
don't snore. Guitars
never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars
never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars
don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. You don't
have to praise a Guitar after playing it. Guitars
don't have to prove anything. Guitars
don't try to change you once you've bought them. Second-hand
Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. Guitars
don't have egos. You don't
have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. Your Guitar
will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar
never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a
strange rash
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: 'Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!'
Q.
How did the Singer make his car go faster?
Top Ten Reasons why Drumming is Better Than Sex 10. It lasts longer 1. It's lots of fun by yourself, but so much better in a group of three or more!!!
~Why guitars are better than women: ~ You can
share your Guitar with your friends. Guitars
don't care how many other Guitars you've played Guitars
don't care if you look at other Guitars. Guitars
don't care if you buy Guitar magazines. Your Guitar
doesn't care if you never listen to it. Your Guitar
won't care if you leave up the toilet seat. Your
parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it. Guitars
don't insult you if you're a bad player. Your Guitar
never wants a night out with the other Guitars. You can
play your Guitar the first time you meet it,
without having to take it to
dinner, see a
movie, or meet its mother.
Q.
What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes? General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums." From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."
Q: What's does a stripper do with her asshole right before she goes to work? A: Drop him off at rehearsal. Q: What did the drummer ask the singer? A: "Do you want this too fast or too slow?" Q: What does a drummer say right before he gets fired? A: "How about if we play one of my original tunes?"
Those were the best jokes now the dodgy ones. "Beethoven had an ear for music." Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? Because he's Haydn! What '60s music group
can kill germs? The Bleach Boys! Opera
is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. Q:
If the guys in Big & Rich were nagging miners, what would they do? And finally Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and missing those great old tunes . Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER" The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP" Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH" Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS" Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE" Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW" Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER" Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM" Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS" Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR" Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING" The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE" ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"
Email: Violetz@Rock.com (Click link)
This page was last updated on 20/05/06.
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